Onion story from last October
LAS VEGAS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Las Vegas in which a lone attacker killed more than 50 individuals and seriously injured 400 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Iowa resident Kyle Rimmels, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep these individuals from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
During assault weapon ban, the number of gun massacres fell by 37 percent.
After the ban lapsed in 2004, the numbers shot up again — an astonishing 183 percent increase in massacres and a 239 percent increase in massacre deaths.
Another strange and historic week.
- Indictments were handed down Friday for how many Russians for meddling in our election?
- Business leaders are warning the Iowa legislature that there may be costly repercussions if a bill concerning what is passed?
- Black History Month: What summer became known as “Freedom Summer?”
- Purdue Pharma has decided to quit marketing what product to doctors after 20 years?
- What Republican US senator is considering rescinding his retirement and running in this year’s election?
- Well, Chuck Grassley has a new lead in his silly goose chase. He and Lyndsey Graham are all over an email from what Obama National Security Advisor?
- Freedom Riders in 1961 had their bus set on fire while they were trapped inside in what Alabama city?
- How many White House staffers were found to not have the full necessary security clearance for their jobs?
- Among those employees in question #8 were what very close relatives to Dear Leader?
- Thomas Brunell withdrew his nomination to head what decennial government activity?
- Capetown, South Africa is in the news for what dire prediction that may happen this May or June?
- 24 hours after the school shooting in Florida, the Iowa senate saw a bill pulled that would have dropped requirements for what permits?
- What African American politician first said “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?”
- The prime Minister of what country was accused by police of accepting over $280,000 in bribes?
- A really strange proposal from Dear Leader’s administration is to replace what federal program with pre-packed food boxes?
- News you wouldn’t expect to hear. What gun manufacturer filed for bankruptcy protection?
- What former White House staffer was telling tales on reality show “Celebrity Big Brother” last week?
- Despite claims from Dear Leader, the shutdown of what company’s facility in South Korea will not lead to returning jobs to the US?
- Who was the first African American to hold the (once prestigious) title of boxing’s heavy weight champion?
- In Kansas a republican candidate for representative from KS-02 is giving away what as a prize in a contest on his facebook and twitter pages?
Andy Borowitz: “Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” one Californian said. “I just want my check, too.”
- “Religious liberty”
- Oxycontin – talk about cutting the barn door a little late
- Corker of Tennessee
- Susan Rice
- His daughter Ivanka and SIL Jared Kushner due to their extreme debt
- The census. Brunnel is noted for gerrymandering research for Republicans.
- They will run out of potable water
- Concealed carry
- John Lewis
- Israel – Bebe Netanyahu
- Omarosa Manigault-Newman
- GM. Dear leader (wait for it) LIED
- Jack Johnson
- An AR15 assault rifle.
John Fugelsang: “Mitt Romney, millionaire-at-birth Nam-supporting-draft-dodger who likes to fire people & thinks millionaires have it rough, presents self as GOP alternative to Trump.”