Mike Luckovich, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Listening to the Stephanie Miller show Wednesday I heard that that there may be as many as 22 Tea Party candidates. “What are they,” said I to me, “a football team or presidential candidates?” I decided they are a football team and will take on their hated opponents in a fall showdown schedule. I have inside information that they are all going to huddle up on a stage 14 times this fall and take on the competition. So it will be their version of a fall football schedule. There has even been a schedule posted – to insiders of course. You have to pay big time to see it.
Game times are Saturdays at 4PM Central Time. This will allow the team members a couple hours in the evening to phone their respective billionaire owners to get a critique and a freshly minted donation. This also allows for some praying time to act contrite before their God for the lies told during the competition. Were those lies not cleansed before walking into a church on Sunday morning – and you know that is mandatory – the church might be engulfed in flames.
Sept. 5th – Labor – This is expected to be an easy win for our heroes. Sadly Labor has been its own worst enemy since Reagan was President, often voting for candidates who do them harm. Expect an easy victory, even this close to Labor Day.
Sept.12 – Election laws – Once again this is expected to be an easy victory. With an election commission split 3-3 party line by law, this group may not even be able to find the field. Even if they do, the judges are all aligned to favor the Tea Party Clowns.
Sept. 19 – Science – here we get into some more meaty opponents. Remember that the goal is not to prove the opponent wrong, but to convince voters they are wrong. With an offense built around confusing phrasing and inaccuracies and their standard yet hardy defense of “God did it!” the Clowns should be able to eke out a victory. But it will be close. Science will be using evidence and will be tough.
Sept. 26 – Students and Education – With debts higher than they can ever pay and an education that has taught them to take tests but little else, this Student team will be hungry and mean. This could be the first dent in the Clowns record as “we didn’t know” is a very poor defense. Look for a Clowns loss here.
Oct. 3 – SNAP and Welfare recipients – This one looks to be another trouncing. After decades of public denouncement on the main stream media (MSM), SNAP and Welfare recipients have had any fight literally beaten out of them. Look for the Clowns to use this occasion to trot out some ugly new plays such as any welfare recipient should lose their kids. Note: This does not include the group that gets the largest share of welfare from the government – that is the wealthy and corporations. While their welfare in the forms of tax cuts, tax abatements and questionable tax write-offs dramatically dwarfs those who get help directly from the government, the Clowns will be lining up to give them even more and more.
Oct. 10 – The Poor – While on paper this looks like a real battle simply because of the numbers, most of the opponents will not be able to even play since they will be working at one of their 3 minimum wage jobs just to afford food and rent. The Clowns will feature an offense that creates laws that make it simply illegal to be poor and subject to incarceration for any number of offenses that are normal living when a family is poor.
Oct.17 – “Obamacare” or the ACA – While claiming they have the fans behind them on this one, when they look around, no one is following. When they call for a big cheer, they find many of their followers are busy since they are finally able to access health care system. The Clowns will once again claim victory while losing badly as they have some 50+ times against this opponent.
Oct. 24 – Environment – Using their standard offense of “jobs will go away” and their standard defense of bottling up any and all legislation it looks like the environment will be beaten to a pulp again.
Oct. 31 – this will be an open date. Clowns will either be hiding in dark corners to avoid the devil or be making sacrifices to the devil. No one really knows.
Nov. 7 – Non-Christian Religions – With the playing field titled at an almost 75 degree angle in their favor (75% + of Americans identify as Christian) this looks like an easy win. The Clowns will alternately focus on one aspect at a time or take the whole bunch at once, either way they will be able to paint their opponent as the scariest enemy of America ever.
Nov. 14 – Non-Whites – Perhaps their longest standing opponent, this is one they have a long winning streak against. It hasn’t been much of a contest since the days of Nixon. Dog whistle phrases will once more be the Clowns attacking offense while things like stop & frisk and drug laws will provide the bulwark of the defense. If your skin is not white, you are the opponent.
Nov. 21 – Women – The Clowns will use a stiff defensive stance of anti-reproductive health laws, forced child birth, low pay and “traditional” roles to counter an increasingly powerful opponent. The Clowns will use Carly Fiorina as their main offense, dangling her in a display that says ‘you are one of us.’
Nov. 28 – Climate Change – This looks like a loss for the Clowns. While they use such brilliant plays as letting everybody know it is November and it is cold, many people will remember the water in their houses last summer or the early 2 feet of snow that never happened before. Hard to push a weak offense when your exposed by the weather all around you. The Clowns will also be pretty full of themselves after celebrating Thanksgiving praising themselves.
Dec. 5 – Immigrants – Starting off with hoots of “speak English” and “cantaloupe calves” the Clowns will take it hard to the immigrants. This will be a pummeling this year, but may be closer than expected. However, the Immigrants are building for the future. You can expect the Immigrants to close the gap soon, leading to victories in the future. Let’s face it, in this case the Immigrants = Latino immigrants.
Dec. 12 – SS and Medicare Recipients – Final game and a sure loss for the Clowns. The Clowns have been trying to get their hands on Social Security and Medicare money for decades, but their opponents are generally smarter and more tenacious than the Clowns. The major turning point ion the pResidency of George W. Bush was a skirmish with these folks. Big loss for the Clowns with many injuries.
The Tea Party Clowns are a wholly owned subsidiary of Koch Industries. Charles and David Koch take great pride in defining the rules not only for their team, but for the whole country. All billionaires are invited to invest. Money is what makes this team strong.
The Tea Party Clowns have a variety of coaches. However, all coaches were schooled at the Karl Rove Institute and the Lee Atwater School of Communication. The major problem facing the Clowns this year is that most players want to be the quarterback. There are a couple (Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee) that want to be Pope. None want to play in the line.
