HELL (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “flabbergasted” by the events of this week, the Revolutionary War-era traitor Benedict Arnold offered a ringing defense of his own career in treason, asserting, “I was never this blatant.”
“I was brought up to believe that betraying your country was something you’d do very secretively,” Arnold, who now resides in Hell, said. “If you were going over to the enemy side, you’d do everything you could not to be detected. You wouldn’t go around announcing it to the world like a jackass.”
Although Arnold understands why commentators have been using the word “treason” to describe the alarming spectacle they have witnessed this week, he said, “Throwing the word ‘treason’ around like that is very unfair to traitors, and I would even say hurtful.”
“Traitors put a lot of thought, planning, and subtlety into every one of their actions and utterances,” he said. “When I look at these so-called acts of treason, I have to ask, Where’s the professionalism? Where’s the work ethic? The sloppiness and sheer idiocy of it all is jaw-dropping.”
Speaking of his treasonous colleagues in Hell, including Judas Iscariot, Vidkun Quisling, and the entire Vichy government, Arnold said, “Every traitor down here is shaking his head.”
Borowitz – simply the best these days.
Well how about a few questions about the incredible stories Borowitz is talking about plus some others.
- Tornadoes ripped through Iowa Thursday hitting what 3 central Iowa cities the hardest?
- Dear Leader’s invite for who for a visit to the US before the midterm elections this fall stunned DNI Director Dan Coates during a live television interview?
- At Branson, Missouri what type of tourist boat sunk in violent weather Thursday?
- Wednesday evening it was revealed that who was fully briefed on election meddling in early January 2017 although he has denied any knowledge since then?
- Who denied any meddling in our elections despite evidence to the contrary that was unveiled the previous Friday?
- Republicans stopped any possible subpoena for what single American witness to the meeting in Helsinki?
- A fundraising page has been established for a Texas woman who needs surgery but does not have health insurance after another woman bit off what part of her body and swallowed it?
- The White House considered allowing Russia to question what 2 Americans before finally rejecting the idea Thursday?
- Shades of gray. Republican state senator Randy Feenstra says savings for what controversial program are difficult to estimate?
- The takeover of Tribune Media properties by what right wing media group appears to be off due to regulatory problems?
- What major tech company based in the US was hit with nearly $5 billion in fines by the EU for anti-competitive practices?
- The rescued soccer players and coach met with the press for the first time since their rescue in what country?
- Republicans softened sanctions against what Chinese company in their must pass defense spending bill, handing a huge win to President Xi?
- It was revealed Friday that Michael Cohen recorded a conversation with Dear Leader concerning payments to what former Playboy model?
- What word did Dear Leader claim he meant to say in his Helsinki press conference that changed the whole meaning of what he said?
- As a quiet affront to Dear Leader, Queen Elizabeth wore a brooch given to her by whom during Dear Leader’s visit?
- New trade alliances coming. The EU signed its largest ever trade deal with what country Tuesday?
- Shares of his company took a dive when what CEO tweeted that one of the rescue divers for the Thai soccer team was a pedophile?
- The 63 year old murder of what black 14 year old in Mississippi is being re-opened by the Justice Department based on new information that has come to light?
- Who rebuked “strongman politics” and “the utter lack of shame” of politicians who double down when caught lying in a speech honoring the 100th birthday of Nelson Mandela?
“I’d like to remind all of America’s remaining allies that the GOP officially refuses to increase voting security, thereby giving a green light for any of you to attack our election systems should you desire an America not run by lying treasonous illiterates.”
- Marshalltown, Bondurant and Pella
- Vladimir Putin
- One of the land/water capable ducks
- Dear Leader – sounds like he was covering up
- Vladimir Putin. Dear Leader took his word rather than that of our intelligence agencies
- The US translator
- Her nose
- Former ambassador Michael McFaul and businessman Bill Browder (instrumental in the Magnitsky Act)
- Medicaid Privatization. (I smell bs)
- Sinclair Media
- Karen McDougal
- He said “would” claims he meant “wouldn’t”
- Barack Obama
- Elon Musk
- Emmitt Till
- Barack Obama
Enjoy your county fairs!