When we last left our intrepid heeero he was fending off the invading brown hordes with a mighty swing of the tongue. “They have calves like cantaloupes” he declared. “They get that from hauling that dirty dope into our country. You know we wouldn’t have a problem if it weren’t for that!” Thus Cantaloupe showed off his knowledge of foreigners and drugs in less than a coherent sentence. “You can tell ’em just by looking at ’em, if you know what I mean.”
Making statements like that had gotten Mr. Cantaloupe publicly in trouble with his fellow party members. Cantaloupe is a member of the Republican Party. Why was as plain as the nose on his face, and all the other parts covered by skin. While other members of Cantaloupe’s party publicly decried Cantaloupe’s statement, in secret they were sending Cantaloupe emails with little hearts attached saying that yes indeed, Cantaloupe in truth spoke for them also. Just don’t use their names.
So now Cantaloupe had faced down the brown menace and the weed that came with it. Once more America was safe for those who liked to end the day with a Manhattan or two … or six or seven. Didn’t matter as long as it was booze America was slamming down and not those wispy clouds of demon weed.
And while America relaxed into an alcoholic stupor, Congressman Cantaloupe King could not enjoy such a luxury. Already he was hearing tales that some teenagers were thinking of going to college. You know what that means? Critical thinking! Can’t have that!
Somewhere else, a foreign language was uttered in Iowa. Could it have been German or possibly Ancient Latin? Didn’t he once and for all vanquish such perversions out of the borders many years back? And somewhere in one of the decadent cities, a citizen was studying Buddhism. How could America exist if one of its citizens dare not practice the freedom to be any kind of Christian they want to be?
But before he goes on his nightly patrol, let us sneak a peek into some of those emails. A certain “M.B.” from “a bordering state” writes that “you say the things I used to say. I think we could make wonderful social statements together.”
Note: any resemblance between this character and one of Iowa’s congress critter would be hilarious and too scary to imagine. If you see any resemblance it is in your mind, not mine.