GOP Seeks Arrest of Michael Moore
by Michael Moore
You may have heard by now that the Michigan Republican Party has called for my arrest. That's right. They literally want me brought up on charges – and hope that I'm locked up.
No, I'm not kidding. The
Republican Party, on October 5th, filed a criminal complaint with the
prosecutors in each of the counties where I spoke last week in Michigan.
My crime? Clean underwear for anyone who will vote in the upcoming election.
Each night on our 60-city “Slacker Uprising Tour”
through the 20 battleground states, I've been registering hundreds (and
on some nights, thousands) of voters at my arena and stadium events. I
then ask for everyone over 23 who has never voted (or didn't vote in
the last election) to stand up. I tell these slackers that I understand
and respect why they think politicians are not worth the bother. I tell
them that I may have been the original slacker, and that I do not want
them to change their slacker ways. Keep sleeping 'til noon! Keep
drinking beer! Stay on the sofa and watch as much TV as possible! But,
please, just for me, on 11/2, I want you to leave the house and give
voting a try – just this once. The stakes this time are just too high.
If they
promise me that they'll do this, I give the guys a 3-pack of new Fruit
of the Loom underwear, and the women get a day's supply of Ramen
noodles, the sustenance of slackers everywhere.
I then close by having them repeat the 2004 Slacker Oath: “Pick nose! Pick b–t! Pick Kerry.”
It seems
to have worked, as each night the volunteer tables are swamped
afterwards with hundreds of new and young voters signing up to campaign
for regime change for the next four weeks.
The satire of all this seems to have been lost on the Republicans. Or maybe it hasn't. The
state of Michigan (where we spent most of last week) reported that over
100,000 young people recently registered to vote, a record that no one
saw coming. The Slacker Tour has turned into a huge steamroller with a momentum all its own.
So, the
Republican Party, to show their gratitude that so many young people
will now be involved in our system, has demanded that I be sent to jail
for trying to “bribe” students to vote.
Of
course, this would be quite laughable if they weren't so serious about
their charges. But they are. I may soon be a wanted man in Michigan –
simply because I convinced a few slackers to change their underwear and
eat a healthy meal of artificially-flavored noodles.
I thought I'd seen it all this year
– Disney refusing to distribute the film they paid for, right-wingers
harassing theater owners who showed “Fahrenheit 9/11,” conservative
action groups trying to get the FEC to kick our film ads off the air,
the unnecessary restrictive R-rating that forced teenagers to sneak in
to see it, and all the stupid, crazy attacks on me and my movie that
I've had to listen to as I watched the public ignore them and pack the
movie houses anyway, where my film was being shown. And when all that
failed, five different Republican groups made five different attack dog
tapes (oops, “documentaries!”) against me in a period of about six
weeks. But they were all so bad, so boring, so right-wing, no one
wanted to watch them and they too went away, a sad waste of good
videotape.
Now,
after enduring all this, with no tricks left in their bag, they've just
decided, “Let's toss his sorry *ss behind bars – him and his noodles
and his gift of clean underwear!”
My friends, they will not catch me.
Though I may be on the run, and I may never be able to return home to
my beloved Michigan, I make this solemn vow to you and yours: The
slackers of America shall not be denied their noodles, they will
proudly wear their clean underwear as free Americans, and they will
vote Bush out of office come November 2nd (though they will not show up
to the polls until well after noon)!
Stay
strong, stay slacker, and please remember to turn the underwear inside
out every three days. As for the noodles, add boiling water, stir.
Yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com
P.S. My favorite moment of the VP debate:
Cheney saying to the moderator that this was the first he heard that
many black women in America had AIDS. Clueless. Cheney, for an entire
90-minutes, only mentioned Bush's name – that's his running mate, the
“pResident” – once. They should have called this the “pResident
(Cheney) – Vice President (Edwards) Debate.”
P.P.S. “Fahrenheit 9/11” is now out on home video and DVD!
Iowa State – Michael Moore will present a free lecture at Hilton Coliseum on Sunday, Oct. 17
His appearance in Ames is open to the public. No tickets are required. Doors open at 6:30 p.m., and the lecture will begin at 7:30 p.m.
In
“An Evening with Michael Moore,” the documentarian will discuss current
events, show film clips, answer audience questions and sign copies of
his books. The performance is expected to be part political commentary,
part stand-up comedy.
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