So What if Alaska Did Secede from the Union?
by Linda Thieman
Sarah Palin is something of an enigma to me. On the one hand, she only approves of the “pro-America” parts of America. On the other hand, she’s married to a guy who wants Alaska to secede from the Union.As I see it, having Alaska secede from the Union and becoming The Independent State of Alaska might be advantageous to the Palin clan. For one thing, they could just convert the Palin governorship to Sarah Palin, President of Alaska for Life. And hubby could be her VP Rovian puppetmaster manipulator adviser.
As President for Life, Palin could then nationalize the oil industry in Alaska, and send an ambassador to OPEC to learn how to gouge the lower 48. It’s a win-win situation for Alaska, although if their next door neighbor to the left, Russia, decided to pull a Cheney and invade Alaska for their oil, I can’t say as I think Canada would come to the defense of The Independent State of Alaska, no matter how recently a mutual-defense treaty had been signed. So, that could be a bit of a drawback, unless Alaska quickly formed a militia made up of moose hunters with shot guns.
Looking at it from the perspective of the lower 48 and Hawaii, that would leave us with an unseemly number of states: 49. There is nothing good about the number 49. You can’t even divide it by anything except one and itself, if you don't count seven, which clearly, I don't think we should. Something would have to be done about that and quickly.
So, I was thinking, I know Quebec is not happy being part of Canada. Once they secede from Canada, maybe we could invite them to join the Union. That would be advantageous in that we would then have a French-speaking state that we could send all our college juniors to for a year of study without even having to leave the country.
Of course, once Quebec got rid of Canadian control, they would hardly want to come under the thumb of the even-worse U.S. federal government. It would be like an 18-year-old woman finally getting away from the oppression of living with Mom and Dad, only to instantly get married and have to live under her young and tyrannical new husband’s thumb for the rest of her life (or until which point she decided to secede again.)
We could, perhaps, make up the numbers we needed by inviting Puerto Rico to join us as the 50th state. I know Gerald Ford seemed to think it was a good idea in the waning days of his presidency.
Alternately, we could go back to 48 states. 48 is a great number. It can be divided by a whole host of other numbers, such as 24, 12, 6, 4, 3 and 2. We’d even have the model of a former U.S. flag to go by, so that would save time.
Only trouble with going back to just 48 states is that we’d have to decide which one to get rid of. I’d say, give Hawaii the first shot at it since they were the most recent to join. A lack-of-seniority kind of a thing. However, if Hawaii enjoys the advantages of statehood and does not wish to secede, then maybe Texas would be willing. Texas used to be their own country anyway, and they often grumble about the good ol’ days of independence down there. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
That would only leave us with one real problem that I can see. When I was a kid, I didn’t get to sing this song at school and have often resented it. But my sister got to, so I know it well. It’s called “50 Nifty United States.” I’m afraid that if we were to switch back to only 48 states, this would be a problem because “nifty” does not rhyme with 48. We might be able to change it to “48 Really Great United States.” That could work. Although, I suppose we’d have to vote on it.
This commentary is meant to be humorous and does not actually represent the views of Blog for Iowa or Linda Thieman, unless you agree with it and then she looks pretty smart.
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