At this stage of the game we know very little about the
candidates except who has the most money, who sneaks cigarettes, and who just
built a mansion to eliminate poverty in North Carolina. It’s time to really examine these people.
Like my father’s friend who was thrown out of medical school for his antics
with a cadaver’s guts, what better way to get to know the inner politician than
to disembowel them and jump rope with their innards? Metaphorically, of course.

 We’ve just passed the fourth anniversary
of Bush’s splendid little war, peace marchers are counted in the hundreds, and
six more American soldiers were just blown to bits in the more secure Baghdad. Hillary wants to do something to end the
war, even though her vote to begin it was not a mistake. No bold plan to stop the
killing for Senator Clinton. She wants to tinker around the edges and blame the
Iraqis for not controlling the savagery we released. Clinton also wants to expand health coverage
for poor children. I wonder if my inner child would be covered if I give all my
money to the Hillraisers?

 John Edwards, tribune of the people, sallies
forth from the manse to talk of withdrawing half of our troops now, and most
within a year, while intensifying training of Iraqi forces. If I remember my junior
high health class, pulling half-way out doesn’t do much good, and if training the
Iraqis is a panacea, don’t you think Bush would be preparing for a victory parade
strewn with fl owers in downtown Baghdad? At the National Press Club Edwards
said, “I do not believe in a Party obsessed with incrementalism, half-measures,
and positions based on yesterday’s polls.” This half-in, half-out plan, and
Edwards’ “Universal Health Insurance Plan” that is not single-payer but a
hodgepodge of public and private insurance, are just the kinds of timid gradualism
that he claims to oppose.

 Barack Obama has consistently opposed the
war. In 2002, as a state senator he spoke against invading Iraq, but for some reason Bush didn’t
listen. Obama wants to pull all our troops out by next year. If it is a good
idea to end the war in a year, why not now? Strangely, Obama seems to have no
healthcare plan, just a laundry list. I like him, but fear his inexperience and
the fun that the fascists will have with his middle name of Hussein and the
fact that he isn’t, shall we say, as lily white as Rush Limbaugh. But he is “articulate,
and bright, and clean.”

 Where is Joe anyway? Maybe he’s still
worn out from a hard day mining and then playing soccer. Tony Blair isn’t as silver-tongued
as Neil Kinnock, so Joe has to pay for his speeches now (that one about Obama
must have cost a lot). Biden reminds me of Ted Kennedy: senatorial, serious,
and a perennial also-ran. He wants to federalize Iraq and pull our troops out by the end of
the year. Iraq is an artifi cial country, cobbled
together by the British after WWI. Does Joe think that establishing Kurdish,
Sunni, and Shia areas won’t lead to a return to the status quo before the
all-knowing British imperialists arrived? That might be better, but shouldn’t
the Iraqis decide? On health care, Biden supports electronic records and
simplifying the system. Hoo boy!

 Chris Dodd’s thatch of silver hair and
self-professed liberalism reminds me of that ad with Al Hunt of the Wall Street
Journal that used to run in liberal magazine – “I’m not a liberal, but I play one
on TV.” Dodd wants to reposition US troops to safe areas and build more nuclear
submarines. Has Chris ever read about the failure of colonial wars against guerilla
armies? Western armies in safe havens offer choice targets (Dien Bien Phu comes to mind). I suppose constructing more
nuclear subs will help carry the Groton, Connecticut vote in 2008. In a real shocker, Dodd
is against people going without health insurance, but offers no solution.

 Bill Richardson would set a 2007 withdrawal
date, but he, too, blames the Iraqis for the mess that we created. Imagine if Illinois invaded Iowa, imposed a government of Christian
fundamentalists from northwest Iowa, and left us all without jobs,
electricity, or hope. When we eastern Iowa secularists rose up in arms, who would
you blame for starting a civil war? Bill is strongly for affordable healthcare.
I read his campaign biography and dropped the book when he casually mentioned
hopping in his Alfa Romeo to move to New Mexico to run for Congress. Sounds like the
time Bruce Babbitt turned up in Ottumwa in a Volvo. Dennis the K. Pull out now,
universal health, Boy Wonder Mayor. But he needs Bill Clinton’s barber to cut
his hair on an airplane and to replace his confi rmation suit..