“The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the
global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the
tongue. Is that a good idea, giving [Bush] more syllables to
pronounce?”
–Jay Leno

“Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is
married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young
women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's
something – these guys only regret the affair after they've been
caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down – only when
they're coming back up.  Before he got elected to Congress he was
a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used-car
salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying.”
–Jay Leno

“John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I
gotta tell you – I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck
vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping
to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's
couch.”
–David Letterman

“Today in Scotland, [Bush] was riding his bike when he collided with a
police officer and fell off…. He could have avoided the collision
but, you know, he refuses to go left.”
–Jay Leno

“Bush had a minor bike accident today. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time.”
–Conan O'Brien