Filthy-Rich and Wannabes say NO to Cheez Whiz

Donald
Kaul recently retired as Washington columnist for the “Des Moines
Register.” He has covered the foolishness in our nation’s capital for
29 years, winning a number of modestly coveted awards along the way.



JAN 26, 2005


There were some who thought
that $40 million was a bit much to spend on an inauguration at a time
when our troops in Iraq are resorting to “hillbilly armor” to protect
themselves against attack; Democrats, mainly. You just can’t please
those people and [Bush] was right to ignore them. He stole the
election fair and square and he has every right to enjoy it. I’m with
Mrs. Bush on the matter.


When asked about the propriety of such a bacchanal she said:  “[Inaugurations]…are
a ceremony of our history; they’re a ritual of our government. I think
it’s really important to have the inauguration every time….I think
there’s a symbolic aspect of the inauguration that – and because of
that, the symbol of the inauguration, you never want to – for any
reason – cancel it or not have it.”  (Have
you noticed that she’s beginning to talk like her husband, poor woman,
as though her remarks are translated from Bulgarian? Didn’t she used to
be a teacher?)


I would have phrased it differently. I’d have said: “Look,
we put the arm on corporate America, the Religious Right, the
Filthy-Rich and their wannabes for about 400 mil to win this election.
They’re not going to keep coughing up that kind of dough if we give
them an inauguration with crackers and Cheez Whiz. You have to give
them something to take back home to impress their friends with.”


That
would have been a good answer, at least an honest one, but it’s not
fair to expect honesty from a politician’s wife. The truth is that
pretty much everything in politics these days is about money. Virtually
all of Mr. Bush’s initiatives, for example, are about money:


-His drug proposal mainly benefits drug companies.

-His Social Security scheme will make Wall Street hustlers even more obscenely rich than his tax cut did.

-His war in Iraq has been great for defense contractors.

-His environmental policies favor the extraction industries – logging companies, mining companies, oil companies.

-His tort reform is a boon to the insurance industry.


These
favored industries are expected to pay for these policies and they do,
by financing his re-[s]election and giving him a Republican majority in
Congress. In return for their millions, they get billions in benefits.
Why shouldn’t they throw something extra in the pot to have an
inaugural wingding? It’s their government, isn’t it? The
soldiers in Iraq? They threw a party to pay tribute to them, too.
Anyway, it’s not like anyone at the Inaugural balls actually had sons
or daughters over there.


I
don’t mean to imply that the Republicans are alone in this. The
Democrats are much the same but, being Democrats, they are not as good
at it or as brazen.

In fact,
I have decided to join the line at the all-you-can-eat buffet myself. I
was given the idea by Armstrong Williams, the conservative columnist
who has admitted taking $240,000 from the Education Department to push
the President’s No Child Left Behind law in his column and on
television.


I didn’t know you could get the government to pay you for your opinions. If Williams, why not me?



So let
word go forth from this time and place that I am forming a consulting
firm called “The Golden Parachute Insider Trading Company” and will
make myself available as a speaker to promote any worthy cause that
pays me. (Unworthy causes will pay extra.) I will also write columns to
order.


This is my fee schedule, arrived at after asking myself the question: “What would Jesus charge?”


•   Column supporting piece of skanky legislation – $5,000; three columns for $12,500.

•   Column supporting a medium-sized war –    $20,000; big war – $50,000.

•   Speech promoting [Bush]’s forest protection plan, “No Tree Left
Behind” – $10,000.


You get the idea. I will also serve on corporate boards and live up to my corporate motto: “We Roll Over.”



It’s the new me. There’s a big barbeque out there folks. You don’t want to be caught on the outside with a rubber fork.


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