Al Franken Keynote Speaker at JJ Dinner
by Connie Wilson
Saturday, October 16, 2004
The
annual Jefferson/Jackson Democratic dinner at Veteran’s Memorial
Auditorium in Des Moines, Iowa, was held on Saturday, October 16th,
with a large crowd of enthusiastic Democrats in attendance.
Prior to
Al Franken’s keynote speech, the Maple Street Missionary Baptist Church
Choir and numerous Democratic candidates performed and a number of
Democrats for various offices spoke, including a long speech by
Governor Tom Vilsack and a longer one by Iowa Senator Tom Harkin
(previous Howard Dean supporter).
The Lt.
Governor of Iowa, Sally Pederson, noted, in her opening remarks, that
in Dubuque, during the filming of “Field of Dreams”, there were more
people hired to film that movie than “W” has created jobs for during
his four years as pResident.
Leonard
Boswell, Iowa’s lone Democratic Congressman (from District 3), made his
entrance on a motorcycle. Gerald McEntee of the AFSCME International
Union bellowed mightily as “host” of the event, but the acoustics were
so bad that it was difficult to understand him.
Sharon
Stone no-showed, but Vanessa Kerry (Future First Daughter) was smart,
poised and savvy in black stiletto pumps. Her intelligent remarks and
articulate presence (no bellowing) made her a crowd favorite, as we all
waited for the star of the evening, Al Franken, to take the stage.
What follows are some of Franken’s best lines.
First, Al noted,
“If Iowa goes for Kerry, you’re all gonna be nuked,” citing Vice
pResident Dick Cheney’s recent speech in Des Moines as the source for
this outrageous remark. He also noted that Bush would have us all
become hunter/gatherers and that he (Franken) would be “fighting over a
root….to the death” with the man in the front row. (Much laughter at
this.)
Franken comments on the debate: “Language
has never been his (“W’s”) strong suit.” (Much laughter). “The
Republicans like to use ‘evil-doers’ a lot. Cheney works evil-doers in
because everybody on the Republican side has to.” (This is followed by
a parody of Cheney’s head and neck posturing, while saying, “Evil
doers.”) Al is good. Read his last book.
Of Ari Fleischer,
Franken says, “He’s a chimp.” He talks about Bush’s comments about the
“war on terror,” especially pronouncing it a “crusade,” saying, “That
was smart.” The sarcasm is thick enough to cut with a knife. Al
suggests that, next time, they bring in a Pakistani cab driver to vet
“W’s” remarks before he makes them. Example: “Operation Infinite
Justice.” (Pakistani cab driver: “Oh, no, Mr. pResident. Only Allah can
deliver infinite justice. Crusade? Oh, NO! NO!, Mr. pResident!”) And
Franken specifically comments on the “Bring ‘em on” comment by our
bellicose cowboy pseudo-pResident, noting, “How’d you like to be a
member of a fighting unit in Iraq and have your pResident invite the
opposition to take pot-shots at you? What a jerk!”
W’s Mistakes:
What about “W’s response to whether he had made any “mistakes” while in
office (as posed during the Presidential debates)? “How about attacking
Iraq without a true international alliance? Could that have been a
mistake? How about ignoring your generals’ advice? Could that have been
a mistake? Rumsfeld, in April of 2003, said, after reports of
wide-scale looting in liberated Iraq, ‘In a free society, people are
free to do what they want.’” Franken advises our pResident to “suck it
up and do the reading.” Good advice!
Returning
to the question about whether Bush had ever made any mistakes (debate
topic), Franken recaps this incident: “Here’s a mistake, Mr. pResident:
getting out of the plane that someone else piloted in that stupid
jumpsuit with the huge codpiece, and doing a press conference in front
of a sign that said ‘Mission Accomplished.’ That could be THREE
mistakes: 1) Flight Suit (2) Codpiece (3) Mission Accomplished sign.”
Al punctuated these remarks with pelvic thrusts.
The Pottery Barn Rule:
Al, of course, checked with the Pottery Barn about their “rule(s),” as
oft quoted by Colin Powell and George W. Bush. “That comment about, ‘If
you broke it, you own it,’ isn’t the Pottery Barn rule. But don’t loot
the Pottery Barn. You can’t loot the Pottery Barn.” (Much laughter).
Obvious Truth: “We need an adult in the White House. Please.”
Another obvious truth:
“Dress up and make-up are fun, but when George W. Bush had the chance
to be a REAL fighter pilot, he had his daddy get him in the National
Guard, and then he went AWOL for a year.”
Al, who
is a stickler for checking facts, tells the crowd that he checked on
some of Bush’s recent facts. “Sixty-two per cent of Republicans believe
Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Why do these people believe this?
They believe this because they heard it from Rush Limbaugh and Fox TV.
Where did Rush get his facts? Directly from his b-tt, and he
transmitted them from his microphones out into the heads of
ditto-heads.” He underscores these sorts of lies by saying, “Don’t tell
us that you didn’t lie, Mr. Vice pResident!” Rush Limbaugh, on a recent
radio show, tried to tell America that the people on minimum wage are
just “kids with part-time jobs.” True statistical research indicates
that 68.1% of those on minimum wage are adults.
A serious note:
Al ends on a serious note: “After 9/11, we were united.
There were no blue states. There were no red states. We were united as
Americans. The world was behind us – virtually the entire world.
LeMonde’s headline said, ‘We Are All Americans.’ This pResident had a
historically unique opportunity. Instead of using it for good, he
squandered it; he chose to hi-jack 9/11 for his own political
purposes….We need a real President. We need someone like John Kerry. We
need a guy who is intellectually curious…who believes in science. We
need someone who can unite this country again.”
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